Countering Incivility by Fostering Connection

Interrupting.  Monopolizing discussions.  Eye rolling.  Side talking.  Texting during face-to-face conversations.  Public shaming.  Insensitive remarks.  Cutting the queue.  It’s likely that you’ve experienced these behaviours in public spaces.  These are examples of incivility, and while some of these behaviours might seem harmless, they can result in others feeling undervalued, unsafe, marginalized, and disrespected.  In many ways, incivility has seeped into our work culture and disrupted our capacity for constructive discussion, especially when we disagree with one another.

Incivility is fueled by polarization, which seems to be on the rise and contributing to ever-widening divisions between social groups, generations, and political spheres.  Tools like social media have made it easier for people to express their opinions on far-reaching platforms without due consideration about how their words might impact others who read them.  More than ever, people feel emboldened to share what’s on their mind without filtering content or adjusting their messages to suit the context they’re in.

There are several factors that drive polarization and resulting incivility.  The first is defensiveness, which is often the first reaction we experience when someone challenges our beliefs, especially when it’s something we care deeply about.  This is a natural psychological reaction when people feel threatened.  It’s part of our primal ‘flight, fight, or freeze’ response to threats that are both real and perceived.  When faced with dissenting opinions and potential conflict, our instinctual reaction is to protect what we know to be true.  These conflicts can touch on our values, the very core of who we are.  If conflicts go unaddressed, they can result in workplaces that are distracted, unproductive and even toxic.

Individualism, a social theory that emphasizes the intrinsic worth of individuals over the collective interests of a group, can also contribute to incivility.  Individualism promotes personal freedom above all else, including freedom of speech, which is misconstrued as the absolute right to express oneself without due consideration for the collective impact of those words and actions.  Incivility is more than just an indication of differing perspectives.  It interferes with our ability to recognize points of agreement among the differences, as well as our common humanity.  Engaging in dialogue and listening to other points of view when we disagree does not mean we accept racism, discrimination, or oppression or condone harmful attitudes.  Rather, it’s a way of engaging with others in the spirit of reciprocity and respect to understand why someone sees things the way they do, and to identify ways to move forward together.

Incivility can also happen when people lose their curiosity and are unwilling to engage in conversations with others who challenge their thinking.  The antidote to incivility is civil discourse, which is intended to expand knowledge and promote understanding.  This is a critical part of problem solving, and in a world where the problems are becoming increasingly complex, multi-faceted, and dynamic, leaders must engage people who have multiple and varying perspectives to find innovative solutions.  There is strength in diversity, but only if people feel safe to take risks in sharing their ideas.

As leaders, we can achieve far more through fostering connection and respectful relationships than we can by controlling the narrative.  This idea relates to the adage, “Do the right thing, even when no one is looking”.  We want the people we work with to be intrinsically motivated to do their best work, for the right reasons.  This means tapping into what they value and what’s important to them.  We don’t have to agree or share the same perspectives about everything.  Quite the opposite, diverse perspectives and ideas inspire innovation and creative problem solving.  Respecting the people we work with means making it clear that they’re worth the investment of your time by hearing their ideas, even when these are different from your own.

It’s important that leaders model civility in their interactions with people at all levels of their organizations.  Beyond this, leaders need to work toward creating connections between themselves and their team members, and between team members themselves.  This doesn’t mean leaders get it right 100 percent of the time, because they’re prone to the same reactions that get in the way of constructive dialogue.  Here are some strategies you can use to break out of polarized positions and inspire a constructive climate in your organization:

1. Practice active Listening. Listening attentively and compassionately creates a safe space for others to share their thoughts and ideas.  Listening is a skill that everyone is capable of, but it takes practice and focused attention to do it well.  Barriers to active listening include distractions (both internal and external), multitasking, and the natural human tendency to formulate responses while the other person is still talking.  Remember that the single most important function of active listening is to create interpersonal connection, which is the foundation of constructive dialogue.  Active listening requires self-awareness of emotional triggers so responses can be managed intentionally.  To stay fully engaged, it can be helpful to listen for content and identify points of agreement and common ground.  Be aware of your non-verbal behaviours, for example, don’t roll your eyes, sigh, fidget, or check the clock.  Finally, active listening requires focused attention, so ensure you have the time and energy to devote to the conversation. 
2. Build your conflict resilience. What if I told you that conflict is an opportunity to strengthen relationships and build more cohesive and high functioning teams?  This is the idea behind conflict resilience.  It’s based on the premise that differences in perspectives are opportunities to learn from others, and that navigating conflicts constructively can encourage more honest and authentic communication, resulting in stronger relationships. Building resilience to conflict means being generous in your assumptions of others’ intentions.  It’s likely that incivility, when it happens, isn’t targeted at you personally.  Monica Guzman, author of I Never Thought of It That Way, advocates for “replacing certainty with curiosity, to stop seeing people as representatives of groups we can dismiss, and to see them instead as individuals whose backgrounds inform their beliefs”.  Two strategies that can help to build conflict resilience are to pause before responding, and to ask clarifying questions.  Pausing gives you some space to notice your emotional reaction to what’s being said and respond more intentionally.  If you’re feeling emotionally triggered, pausing before speaking can help you re-engage your pre-frontal cortex, the rational, ‘thinking’ part of your brain.  Asking questions helps to avoid assumptions you might have about the other person’s motivations and intentions.  Exploring differing points of view does not mean you will end up agreeing, but it will help the other person feel like their opinions and perspectives matter.
3. Build community. Incivility fuels disconnection.  After all, who wants to spend time with people we consider to be rude?  One trademark of polarization is the tendency to dehumanize others who disagree or have different beliefs or perspectives than our own.  This is sometimes referred to as ‘othering’, and it can create harmful divisions between individuals and groups of people.  One way to counter this is by exercising empathy.  Social Worker Brene Brown defines empathy as “feeling with people”.  This is achieved by connecting with the emotions that underpin someone else’s experience, emotions that we have very likely experienced ourselves (perhaps for different reasons).  We tend to think of empathy as a personality trait, however, empathy is a skill that can be developed and improved.  Empathy extends beyond what we feel internally to how we show up in relationship with others.  It involves recognizing and validating others’ emotions, without judgement.  Demonstrating genuine interest in others’ ideas and working to understand their perspectives through engaged conversation helps build trust in relationships.  Leaders must also be intentional in creating opportunities for reciprocity within their teams: sharing knowledge and resources, exchanging ideas, identifying individual strengths and leveraging these to achieve common goals, and creating a culture that values and celebrates diversity.  And don’t forget to have fun!  Informal interactions between team members can help foster connections that extend beyond workplace roles and responsibilities, and leaders can take a primary role in setting the tone for their workplaces.
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